Someone Worth Loving
Submitted by: Anonymous
I grew up in a big family. The focus was on my older siblings; the attention was given to my younger ones.
I remember speaking many times and having no one respond, confirming that I was unimportant.
That my voice meant very little. I very rarely felt important.
I acted out to get attention. The attention I got was anger, and it wasn’t the love that I desired. I remember inflicting pain upon myself, for the attention that I craved. Yet, it never came.
I put myself in difficult relationships so I could feel sorry for myself. I had friendships that were insincere, thus I continued to feel alone.
I always felt like I had absolutely no one. Even the people I had, I didn’t really.
I covered up the purpose of my life in any way I could. I used substances, people, music, and more. I had health problems, family problems, money problems.
None of that changed until I realized that one day, I was going to die.
I was in my room, under the influence of a substance. I had what people call ‘an ego death,’ or ‘depersonalization’. I realized I was a human being. That everyone in my life was also just a human being. I realized my own mortality. I remember wondering why I worshipped the celebrities I worshipped, why I let the people I love hurt me or treat me badly when they were human and imperfect themselves. I wondered why I let people tell me I didn’t matter. I wondered why I let myself be abused and quietly accepted it.
That night, I was so scared. I saw my entire life flash before my eyes, I genuinely believed I was going to die in that very moment. I begged Allah (swt) for another chance to live, promising I would do better. Who knows if what I felt was real or merely just an effect of the substance I was using at that moment, but it was so traumatizing, and I still remember it to this day.
I realized the severity of my sins, how real Allah (swt) was.
For some reason, we so easily point out the sins of others. We know exactly what is right and what is wrong – but we don’t fully understand the severity of our own actions.
I fell asleep, afraid of the whole world. The next few days of my life, I remember not feeling like myself. I didn’t know who I was. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, but I was so aware of myself. For the first time in my life, I noticed myself.
I cared about myself. I paid attention to myself.
The next few months of my life, I spent trying to understand the purpose of my life. I realized how truly lost I had become, just living every day in complete heedlessness. I realized I had lost so much time on this earth. I had wasted so much time, but I was grateful for the ability to reclaim my life and live the way I was supposed to live.
It’s been over three years since that day. Over the past few years I have ended relationships. I have prioritized different things. I have started believing myself, listening to myself, loving myself. That could only happen after I started believing in Allah, listening to Allah, and loving Him too.
The truth is, our time in this world is limited.
The people who truly love us, are also limited.
The one who truly loves you would remind you of the hereafter. The one who truly loves you would remind you of Allah’s commands, of His reward. The one who truly loves you would tell you when you were doing something wrong, when you’ve lost sight of yourself.
After so many years of my life, I feel like I have finally found someone who truly loves me.
That person is me.