Losing My Best Friend, Finding God Instead
Updated: May 28, 2020
By: A Healing Soul
“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” [2:216]
I’m sitting here the night of my wedding thinking about everything I’m grateful for. My parents. My friends. My husband. The room is filled with laughter and joy. As I sit back and soak in the crowd, I can’t shake the feeling that someone is missing.
Five years ago, this person would’ve been my other-half, my right hand, my partner in crime. She was my best-friend. For the purpose of this story, we’ll name her Anisa.
I met Anisa back when I was just a mere 16 years old. We met through a mutual friend. Our first interaction was lacklustre, and I didn’t think we would meet again. Low and behold, I found her Facebook account and added her with the hopes of her adding me back. Within an hour, she added me back and we started interacting on a day to day basis.
It was an instant connection. I never thought I’d ever find someone that could understand me the way she did.
We started hanging out soon after that and built a deep connection. I felt as if though she was my sister and a part of my family. The first two years of our friendship were amazing and I always thought we’d be friends forever. We went through all the good and bad times together, extremely present in each other’s lives. Soon after, things started to change.
It all started when I announced my engagement. She wasn’t able to tolerate the change. I always balanced every single relationship in my life to the best that I could but I don’t know if Anisa felt as if though our friendship was threatened after that. She accused my fiancée of tarnishing her reputation years before and when I would ask her to tell me what the problem was, she wouldn’t tell me. She would tell me to choose her over him.
I felt stuck. Soon after, it turned out that the accusations she made against my fiancée weren’t true at all. I went through so much emotional turmoil from being torn between my friendship with Anisa and every other relationship in my life. Her energy started to shift towards other aspects in my life including my education, family structure, my career choice and friendships with other people. It started to take a mental toll on me.
Due to me being so emotionally attached to her, my passiveness allowed this situation to continue on and go further. I felt as if though I started to lose myself as a person during these trivial times.
I wanted our friendship to work out so badly that I became emotionally and mentally dependant on Anisa in such a way that I stopped caring about myself. Everything I was doing was in order to please her and make sure she was happy so that our friendship wouldn’t fall apart.
I lost myself so much that I never thought about my Deen or Allah (swt) during this tough period in my life. All I thought about was the problem itself and fixing things with her.
Our dynamic got worse. It became a power struggle. We would argue with each other and have disagreements over things that didn’t even matter. It was anything but healthy. We had a falling out a few years after because of a fight. A fight that changed my life forever. We stopped talking for a year. I felt HURT, DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS, and SORROW. Every emotion that you could think about at that time.
Every night felt heavy on my heart and tears would flow out uncontrollably because I missed Anisa. I felt like I failed her and I failed myself for not being able to hold onto that friendship. Yet, I knew that the reason why I felt so depressed was because my relationship with Allah (swt) was lacking so deeply.
That year taught me not only how to love myself, but how to love Allah (swt) and how to love others for the sake of Allah, The Most Merciful.
That was the first step of me gathering myself.
The dependency that I put on another human being instead of Allah caused me so much pain and I couldn’t even understand why.
It wasn’t until I turned to Allah (swt) that I felt a lesser burden. After all, he is Al Wali (The Friend, The Protector) and Al Wadud (The One Who Tenders and Warms Hearts).
There’s a quote by Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyya,
“If a heart becomes attached to anything other than Allah, Allah makes him dependent on what he is attached to. And he will be betrayed by it.”
I saw this quote recently and felt that it applied here best. After losing that friendship, I became extremely cautious of who I let in. I wanted to protect my heart and make sure I never felt that attachment ever again. Sometimes losing that relationship can teach you so much about yourself and help you grow as a person.
My life has flourished ever since I chose Allah (swt) first. I learned the most crucial lesson of my life: to make sure that your heart isn’t attached to anybody except for Allah (swt).
The reason why I name her Anisa in this story is because the meaning of Anisa is companion; faithful friend. I wish so badly she could’ve been my Anisa in the end but Allah’s plan is always better and sufficient in a way where we may not even realize it.
This was the first step to get closer to my Deen and this is where my journey began of rediscovering myself and Islam.
I pray you too are surrounded by people who bring you closer to your Lord, and not take you away from Him instead.
A Healing Soul