"Help me, I'm Lost"
By: A Dreamer
Allah (swt) listens and already knows what is in your Hearts but HE wants you to ASK HIM for what you want.
I never really knew what happened seven years ago, but all I can remember is I stopped viewing the world as a colourful place.
I no longer wore the smile that I did. I would come home, sit in my room, alone for hours refusing to interact with anyone who walked in. I would go to school in pain but force myself to keep a smile, just so nobody asks me anything. I knew I hit rock bottom, but even when I did, my faith remained weak.
I became consumed in bettering myself from only the help of the people around me that I failed the recognize Allah (swt) is the best helper of all. I would get upset that my friends would not pick up my calls, that they were not checking up on me that I forgot that there is someone who will always listen to my prayers, who would never be absent when I am in pain – but still, I never realized. It went on for the last two years of high-school, constant darkness in my life. I resented myself and I questioned everything around me. "Why would you create souls, bring them into the world and cause them so much pain?"– I kept asking God this question.
I never realized how blinded I was with the world I had created for myself. I would pray but that would just be me getting up in agony, standing on the mat, reciting the Surahs while my mind wondered elsewhere.
5 times a day, 7 days a week, I would just pray only so I could tell myself (and my mom) I prayed, realizing well at this point that I no longer had the right intentions and that I no longer meant a word I prayed – but still, I was convinced my friends were my only helpers. I began to hate everything, everyone, myself. I grew angrier, questioning so many things.
Just get rid of me already or I’ll do it myself – I would pray this every day for two years straight – except the day I stopped.
I had a friend, a close friend. I called him every time I was upset. He comforted me, he became my saviour, but not for long. I think after just a month, he got sick of my complaints, he got tired of my calls for help, he got tired of my mood swings, he got tired of my crying, everything. He said to me and I still remember: "If you want to leave this world so bad, just leave, no one would care anyways." That night I came home with a heavy heart. The one I considered as the most important was now tired of me.
At this point I really wanted to end it all, I was so lost. I really believed there was no one left to help me.
But something in me just wanted to give it one more try.
Before I went to bed, I decided to pray to Allah (swt). It was the first night in two years where I made a prayer willingly, I needed help and I knew this was the only option I had left. I had no expectations, so I closed my eyes, gathered all the courage that I had and prayed under my breath;
“Allah, I need help. I’m lost”
That night, I had a dream.
I was sitting on a bench with Angels. The grass was green, and the sky was as blue as it would ever be. They held a mirror in front of me and that mirror played my entire life. Suddenly, I was watching my life unfold in front of me.
The mirror displayed all my happy moments at first, then it started showing the last couple years. I saw myself in pain, I saw myself cry. I was reliving all the dark times. I was sitting on the bench, crying to the Angels to stop showing me, to stop reminding me that I am in pain when all the sudden I realized everywhere I was in the mirror, there was always a light that followed.
I kept watching what seemed like years fast forward in seconds, but that light never disappeared. I was confused. I never saw a light in real life. I never saw anything. How could I have missed it? What was it? I asked the Angels in my dream;
"What is that light, it’s there all the time?" They replied; “It’s Allah (swt). He was there with you all the time. Even when you felt alone, he was there all the time. Even when your friends left, he was there all the time. You cried, you complained but he was there all the time. He already knows what is in your heart, but HE wants YOU to ask HIM for what you want. He will help you, he will always help you –“
And then, I woke up.
That was the first time in a long time I got up to pray - not just to say that I did, but to say thank you, to apologize.
I stood on the prayer mat.
I began my prayer.
I felt tears down my face.
But it was okay. I knew these tears meant I was found, and now, I was safe.